The State of the Unitard
My fellow Americans, I stand here today to tell you about the State of the Gene Pool. It’s great, the greatest state of anything anyone has ever experienced, greater even than the state of euphoria. When they learn of our success, grown men — big, tough men with big wet stinky armpit stains and veins popping in their biceps — weep tears the size of stalactites. They tell me, sir, you are God.
I can’t take full credit for this success. It’s partly me, but it is also, to a significant degree, me.
At this juncture, the Gene Pool is subscribed to by 6 billion people, which is everyone on Earth who has access to the Internet. The Gene Pool is grossing eleventeen million dollars a year, allowing me to have sex with anyone I want. Even grown women with armpit stains weep when they learn this.
The wisdom generated by the Gene Pool has ended 238 wars, including the one between dental hygienists and tooth decay. The Gene Pool has solved 17 previous unsolvable human problems including paradoxical, boundary-case math puzzles like the “sofa problem,” which asks for the rigid two-dimensional shape of the largest area that can be maneuvered through an L-shaped planar region with legs of unit width. The answer is six. The Gene Pool has proved this.
I remain the handsomest man in the universe.
The Gene Pool’s subscribers are fine people, unless they do not pay for their subscriptions. Those people are ugly. The women look like proboscis monkeys, giant-honkered harpies who shriek all the time, and the men look like naked mole rats, who resemble flaccid penises with teeth. Their children look like the blobfish. Here they all are, on the Jumbotron.
I am going to leave now to thunderous applause. Those who clap will be rewarded by getting to keep kissing my magnificent rump, which resembles that of Michelangelo’s David. Those who fail to applaud will be compelled, by executive order, to walk around forevermore in shirts but no pants, like Donald Duck or Winnie the Pooh.
I hereby issue my blessings to the United States of America and to the Republic, which still stands, if barely.
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Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:
Do you physically resemble a naked mole rat or a proboscis monkey?