Never Has He Ever ...
Hello.
Inasmuch as this is the day before the No Kings protests, it seems appropriate to present a judicious, methodical, fact-based assessment of Donald Trump’s leprous policies, his ludicrous vanities, his greed, his flagrant illegalities and immoralities, his reckless assault on the American economy, and, mostly, the global disaster he is courting in The Middle East; then, we would cap it off by a reasoned critique of his most recent act of pure, jaw-dropping gall: adding his daffy Sharpie signature to United States currency, the first president arrogant enough to do so.
But inasmuch as this is just the Gene Pool, we’re just going to wildly flail away at him through sheer speculation feeding withering ridicule.
Last week, we announced a new mini-contest. Readers were presented with a list of Things Trump Probably Has Never Done submitted by the husband-wife snark & snideness team of Sean Clinchy and Estelle Rainsford. It was really good.
We called for new items for the list. Today we give you the winning results. They are also really good. Collectively, they all seem to deftly complete a portrait of an empty, entitled, boorish, needy, spiritually crippled person. Also, they all seem spot on.
Without further ado:
Donald Trump has never….
… driven a manual, read a manual, done manual labor, or had a friend named Manuel. (Art Grinath)
De-ketchupped a wall. (Hank Wallace)
Stared deeply into a woman’s eyes. (Leif Picoult)
Missed a trash can while trying to toss in something, then picked it up and deposited it. (Randy Lee)
Eaten a vegetable. (No, ketchup is not a vegetable.) (Linda McNeal)
Shat in a truck stop restroom. (Leif Picoult)
Unclogged a toilet after he used it. (Tom Gedwillo)
Put down a toilet seat after peeing if it was up or lifted a toilet seat before peeing if it was down. (Kevin Dopart)
Performed a courtesy flush. (Jeffrey Contompasis)
Pushed a baby in a stroller. (Sally Booher)
Made any of the food he has eaten in his life. (Marcianna Caplis)
Set up folding chairs. (Mark L. Asquino)
Made someone miss him by going away. (Linda McNeal)
Cleaned a litter box. (Marcianna Caplis)
Boiled water. (Mark L. Asquino)
Truly understood the concept behind Rock, Paper, Scissors. (Marcianna Caplis)
Bought tampons for his wife. (Deb Stewart)
Sung a lullaby. (Mark L. Asquino)
Stood in line. (Mark L. Asquino)
Shined his own shoes. (Peter Kovaric)
Hitchhiked. (Peter Kovaric)
Blown up a balloon. (Mark L. Asquino)
Eaten leftovers. (Mark L. Asquino)
Waited in the lobby of a Jiffy Lube. (Leif Picoult)
Used “tiger” when teaching is kids “Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Moe” (Randy Lee)
Offered someone a tissue when they were ugly crying. (Judy Freed)
Used chopsticks. (Randy Lee)
Colored Easter eggs. (Mark L. Asquino)
Wished Dorothea had married Tertius Lydgate instead of Rev. Casaubon. (Jonathan Paul)
Milked a cow. (Josh Feldblyum)
Given his neighbors their Amazon packages that had been misdelivered to him. (Josh Feldblyum)
Eaten escargot. (Mark L. Asquino)
Washed a car. (Kristy Kelly)
And finally, an entry that absolutely requires footnotes:
„, Gigged a frog, noodled a catfish,* or grunted for worms using a rooping iron and stob.** (Tom Cadwallader)
* Noodling is a dangerous hand-fishing technique used to catch catfish by submerging oneself and using a hand as bait. A catfish bites the hand (often, the fisher is underwater, searching in holes under rocks or banks) and the fisher clamps onto the fish’s jaw, pulling it out. Gloves are recommended, and it is safest with a spotter.
** Grunting for worms is a traditional, highly effective technique to harvest earthworms for bait by driving a wooden stake (“stob”) into the ground and rubbing it with a metal bar (“rooping iron”). This creates seismic vibrations that mimic digging moles, causing worms to flee to the surface. It is most common in the southeastern US.
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The winner of this contest — and of the stupid prize of an autographed can of tomato paste — is the first entry in the list (“manuals”) sent in by Art Grinath. The first runner-up is the last item in the list (grunting, etc.) sent in by Tom Cadwallader.
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From the Mailbag:
Q: The other day, Trump announced that he was suspending the bombing of Iran because we were involved in “very strong” talks with the Iranians. When Iran was asked about this, they responded that no such talks were taking place. Think back now, to the pre-Trump era. Can you imagine a situation where the President of The United States was contradicted by Iranian officials, and we would instantly conclude that it was the Iraninans who were telling the truth? And we’d be right.
— Sean Clinchy
A: I never thought of it that way, Sean. Now it is the only way I can think of it.
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If you have not done so already, please consider becoming a paying customer of The Gene Pool. Why? Here’s one reason right off the bat: I see a lot of new names among the entrants to the Trump contest. Funny people who are not ordinarily contributors to the Invitational. The Invitational can use you, for your talent. And you can use us, for everlasting cheesy fame. But you have to be a paying subscriber to enter.