This just in: Donald Trump, the alleged scourge of the Woke Generation, is being privately tutored in Spanish, American Sign Language and diversity/sensitivity training so he can, as he confessed to his aides, “better understand and communicate with marginalized peoples so I am less likely to inadvertently cause them pain through my speech or policies.”

The previous is not true. But who cares? We’ve got to get it out there. It is time to turn Trump’s most potent weapon — the Big Lie — against himself.

This just in: Trump has pardoned all of Jeffrey Epstein’s victims, including any “johns” who may have been seduced into temptation by this evildoer and through the feminine wiles of those whom he employed.

My point is, we are at war with Evil. We must be prepared to use the tools Evil provides. If enough of us repeat our new Big Lies, some of his idiot supporters will believe them and desert him. The key is, we must report these things seriously, not like parody.

This just in: Putin and Xi watched the “pee tapes” together, chortling over them. White House remains silent.

Alas, we are on our own. The mainstream media is not about to help us. Here is an actual breaking-news headline from yesterday’s New York Times:

Trump Sits Down With Times Reporters for Two-Hour Interview

In a wide-ranging conversation with four Times reporters, President Trump talked about the Minneapolis ICE shooting, immigration, Venezuela and even his plans for further White House renovations.

Take a moment to let this piece-of-shit headline marinate out there in its own stench.

After his goons murdered an innocent 37-year-old mother of three on the street in Minneapolis, Trump said :

“The woman screaming was obviously a paid, professional agitator and the woman driving the car was disorderly, obstructing and resisting who then violently, viciously and willfully ran over the ICE officer, who seems to have shot her in self defense. Based on the clip, it is hard to believe he is still alive, but is now recovering in the hospital.”

All of this was an obvious lie; a compound lie; a blatant, slanderous lie. The victim had done nothing wrong. The screaming bystander was a justifiably outraged citizen, one of dozens at the scene. The entirely of Trump’s statement was conclusively belied by the very clip to which he was referring. The officer was never hit or injured. He is seen in videos strutting around after the murder, masked, casually signaling his colleagues to “call 911.”

Then Trump sits down with The New York Times, where he repeats these preposterous, hurtful, nakedly provocative lies — and the best headline this newspaper can come up with is that Trump MET WITH THEM and “talked about” several things, including White House renovations???

In the interview, Trump repeated:

“She ran him over. She didn’t try to run him over. She ran him over.”

After The Times reporters watched the clip with him, he weaseled and obfuscated, and when he refused to take back his lies, they just let him go and move on to something else. Venezuela. Renovations.

So, it’s up to us.

This just in: DNA tests show Trump is an intellectually disabled Guatemalan woman. White House remains silent.

—

Good.

Here is important extraneous news. This is not made up. This is an actual newspaper headline from January 7:

Beloved walrus penis stolen from N.J. cheesesteak icon. Owner is blubbering mad.

I think we can all agree this is a great headline. But do you think like a real copy editor?

(There is a correct answer. I will supply it in this space about an hour after this Gene Pool goes live. )

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