Jesus Christ.
Dear President Trump:
This morning, you’ve been getting some powerful blowback for your spit-flecking late-night tirade against Pope Leo. You called him a bad pope, a coddler of liberals who is “catering to the radical left,” a man who wants Iran to get a nuclear weapon and thinks that “crime is okay in our cities.”
To paraphrase Melania, I sink zis criticism of you hess to sztop.
In your eagerness to take on a man who is a hero to many Americans and a source of enormous pride and spiritual inspiration to 60 million Roman Catholics here, I think you are just showing your toughness and resolve and your willingness — for the good of mankind — to have gasoline prices double in a month. This is something Americans respect.
Also, the illustration you posted of yourself as Jesus — the one above — was strategically ingenious. Most Americans love Jesus, so they’ll love you even more for that.
Accordingly, I think you should double down by viciously criticizing certain other people during your nighttime sundowning rants:
Malala Yousafzai — “I like people who don’t get shot in the face.”
Dolly Parton — “She’s not a 10 anymore. I like 10s.”
Lionel Messi — “Dude’s five foot seven. I call him Liddle Lionel.”
Duke, the adorable 11-year-old dog who steals things puts them in his bed. — “Once again, the media makes a hero out of a criminal who never worked a day of his life.”
Tom Hanks. Oh, wait. You did that already.
Rob Reiner. Oh, wait. You did that already.
Taylor Swift. Oh wait. You did that already.
Jesus of Nazareth — “Coulda used your help down here to get my tariffs ratified and Orban reelected. Thanks a lot, douchebag.”
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Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:
Good. We’re done for the day.
Jesus believed in charity. Not a sermon, just a thought.