The Invitational Week 174: The Name of the Gamete
Everyone loves grandchildren, right? Unless they are someone else’s grandchildren pooping into a diaper next to you on a plane. Fortunately, horses cannot get seats on commercial flights, so we’re going to just go ahead and say all grandfoals are great. You’ll be dealing with them in our new contest. But first, the results of our previous contest, involving their parents.
And the Whinnyers Are …: The foal names of Week 172
In Invitational Week 172, as we’ve done most every year since we wrote them in charcoal on cave walls (okay, 1995), we gave you a list of a hundred horses who were among this year’s Triple Crown nominees — eighteen of them are set to run this Saturday in the Kentucky Derby — and asked you to pair any two to produce a “foal” name reflecting both parents’ names. This punfest is the Invite’s biggest contest of the year, and once again literally hundreds of the almost 1,800 entries showed deft, funny wordplay but, alas, finished out of the money. That’s horse racing for ya.
Sometimes it was just a matter of Loserly minds thinking alike. Some of the inkworthy foals submitted by too many of you:
Arborist x Curtain Call = Take a Bough
Hawk x Confessional = Bird of Pray
One More Freud x The Big Con = One More Fraud
Napoleon Solo x Obliteration = Blown-Apart
Nearly x One More Freud = Close but No Cigar
Third runner-up:
Hulkamania x Big Cuddle = Hogan’s Eros (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.; Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)
Second runner-up:
King Of Heat x Ghostwritten = SerranoDeBergerac (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
First runner-up:
Confessional x Beanster = Forgive Me, Farter (Judy Freed, Philadelphia)
And the winner of the bulging-eye-bird socks:
Chip Honcho x Max Capacity = I Like Big Utz (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)
And the weekly Invitational Gene Pool Gene Poll:
(As usual, if you think one or more of the honorable mentions below are better than these, shout out your favorites in the Comments.)
Nearly x Zany = HonorableMentions
Only I Can Fix It x Fulleffort = Only I Can Eff It (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
Albus x Commerce = Dumbledoordash (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.; Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.)
Confessional x Nearly = I Half Sinned (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)
Not to Worry x Ovechkin = No Pucks to Give (Hildy Zampella, Sarasota, Fla.)
Memory x Blackout Time = Cache Patel (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)
The Hell We Did x Only I Can Fix It = The Hell We’re In (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Albus x Chip Honcho = Dumbledorito (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)
Max Capacity x Seize The Throne = I Gotta Go Now! (Beth Ketzner, Baltimore, a First Offender)
Albus x Into The Beast = J.K. Growling (Lynne Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.)
Arborist x Zany = Mad About Yew (Stephen Gilberg, Silver Spring, Md.)
Greenwich Village x Beanster = Artsy Fartsy (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.; Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
Bella Ballerina x Beanster = Tootu (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)
Bella Ballerina x Just The One = Tu (Pamela Love)
Newton x Beanster = Figgy Pooting (Jon Gearhart)
Spartacus x Beanster = Shartacus (Mark Raffman; Jon Gearhart)
Peace On Earth x Big Cuddle = Goodwill Humping (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)
Chess Match x Blackout Time = Knight-Night (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
Blackout Time x Confessional = NocturnalAdmission (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
Seize The Throne x Blackout Time = Coup Coup Clocked (John Doucette, New York, whose only previous blot of Invitational ink was a runner-up exactly twenty years ago — thanks for hanging with us, John.)
The Puma x Blackout Time = CatOnAHotTinRoofie (April Musser, Georgia)
Star Ship x Bull By The Horns = Fly Me to the Moo (Leif Picoult)
Ovechkin x Chaos Agent = ICE (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Chess Match x Double Entendre = Flexible Opening (Randy Lee, Burke, Va.)
Chief Wallabee x Mr. Miracle = Loafers and Fishes (Mary McNamara, Washington, D.C.)
Chief Wallabee x Nearly = Chief Wannabe (Steve Smith, Beverly, Mass; Rebecca Foster, Falls Church, Va.)
The Big Con x Chief Wallabee = Switch-a-Roo (Frank Osen)
Chip Honcho x Infiltrate = NVIDIous (John Winant, Staunton, Va.; Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
Iron Honor x Chip Honcho = Ferric Estrada (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Pavlovian x Close the Gate = WhoLetTheDogsOut (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)
Confessional x Pavlovian = Seeking Salivation (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.; Judy Freed)
Commerce x Universe = Billions&Billions (Pamela Love)
Conducted x The Big Con = SymPhony (Laurie Brink)
Renegade x Confessional = Pirates of Penance (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
Mr. Miracle x Dirty Rich = Gospel of Lucre (Karen Lambert)
Pavlovian x Doctrine = The Golden Drool (Steve Price, New York; Laurie Brink)
Pavlovian x Memory = That Rings a Bell (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.; Daniel Galef, Cincinnati; Leif Picoult
Associated x Memory = Ally Cats (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)
Chess Match x Blackout Time = Deep Blue Z’s (Andrew Rosenberg, New York)
Commandment x Very Connected = Thou Shalt Knot (Gary Crockett)
Englishman x Lighter = Fee Fi Fo Fume (Mike Gips)
Englishman x Only I Can Fix It = Laurence Alleviate (Malcolm Fleschner)
Quality Mischief x Englishman = Bart of Avon (Jesse Frankovich)
Englishman x Star Ship = Limey to the Moon (Frank Osen)
Flamboyant x Litmus Test = pHlamboyant (Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.)
Hawk x Follow Up = Tuah (Daniel Galef)
Get Them Roses x Romantic Ride = American Booty (Mary McNamara)
Mr. A.P. x Ghostwritten = Mr. A.I. (Bernard Brink; John Winant)
Ghostwritten x The Big Con = Pseudoseance (Byron Miller, Cobble Hill, B.C.)
Great White x Only I Can Fix It = The GreatWhiteDope (Steve Smith)
The Big Con x Great White = Fonzie Scheme (Chris Doyle, Warminster, Pa.)
Memory x Hard To Borrow = Strapped for Cache (Chris Doyle)
Steel x Hard To Borrow = Steal (Seth Christenfeld, Briarcliff Manor, N.Y.)
Zany x Incredibolt = Dr. Zeus (Ben Aronin, Washington, D.C.)
Napoleon Solo x Just The One = Napoleon, Solo (Jeff Loren, Seattle)
Zany x King Of Heat = Meshuga and Spice (Jesse Frankovich)
Lighter x Obliteration = Zippo (Karen Lambert; Mike Gips)
Litmus Test x Seize The Throne = Acid Reign (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.; Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)
Litmus Test x Six Speed = Acid Trip (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)
Napoleon Solo x Max Capacity = No Elba Room (Michael Stein)
Napoleon Solo x Fulleffort = Elba Grease (Jesse Frankovich)
Napoleon Solo x Plutarch = Elba Greece (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.; Tim Watts, Athens, Ala.)
Ovechkin x Max Capacity = 8 Too Much! (Mia Wyatt)
Right to Party x Mr. Miracle = Majority Whip (Mike Gips)
Napoleon Solo x Romantic Ride = Bone-a-partner (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)
Napoleon Solo x Hawk = Waterloogie (Jesse Frankovich)
Newton x Scope = Law of Cavity (Seth Christenfeld)
One More Freud x Only I Can Fix It = Super Ego (Lee Graham, Columbia, S.C.; Daniel Galef)
One More Freud x So Happy = TGI Freud Day (Byron Miller)
One More Freud x Taj Mahal = Just a Sitar (Seth Christenfeld)
One More Freud x The Big Con = Fake Id (Daniel Galef)
Pyromancer x Universe = Fire In The Whole! (Gary Crockett)
Zany x Spartacus = Quirk Douglas (Duncan Stevens; Randy Lee)
Not To Worry x Only I Can Fix It = Worry (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece; John Winant)
Golden Tempo x Pyromancer = Andante’s Inferno (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
Hawk x Hard To Borrow = Hock (Perry Beider)
The Puma x Infiltrate = Sneaker (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.; David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.)
Six Speed x Into The Beast = Six Six Six Speed (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)
Meanstepper x Seize The Throne = Clogger (Kevin Dopart)
One More Freud x Right to Party = The Night Is Jung (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)
Ovechkin x Quality Mischief = 8 Misbehavin’ (Tom Witte)
Peace On Earth x Stop The Car = Pees on Earth (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)
The headline “And the Whinnyers Are …” is by William Kennard; Neil Kurland wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Great thanks as always to 77-time Loser Jonathan Hardis, who designed a program to sort out all the entries by parent name as well as foal name so we could look at all these entries with something approaching sanity; checked whether they exceeded 18 characters; fixed misspelled names; and more. Jonathan has volunteered his magic for almost every one of our horse contests, both foals and grandfoals, at least as far back as 2016.
New contest for Week 174: The Grandfoals!
And for Leg 2 of our Double Crown:
For Invitational Week 174: “Breed” any two of today’s inking foal names — including the uncredited ones we mention in the intro to the results — and give the “grandfoal” a name that reflects both names, just as the foal names do. We even have a nice printable list of this week’s foals right here (or type in tinyurl.com/inv-list-174).
Just as with the Week 172 contest (and in real horse racing), a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces; those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but the name should be easy to read.
Formatting: Just the same as in the first round: Horse A x Horse B = Grandfoal C — one entry per line; don’t number your entries.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-174 As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.
Deadline is Saturday, May 9, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 14.
The winner gets this excellent XL T-shirt showing a photo of Marcel Duchamp’s “Fountain,” a urinal that the artist purchased in 1917 from a plumbing supply shop, signed “R. Mutt,” and submitted as sculpture to an art exhibition — thus beginning the whole paradigm of Art Is What We Say It Is, as Long as We Have the In-Crowd Cred. This artwork in itself — cold, rigid porcelain transfigured noncontextually into soft, flexible, dare we say absorbent fabric! — was donated by Loser Stu Segal.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.
Still running — deadline Saturday, May 2, at 11 p.m. ET: It’s our “sister cities” contest to match up two town names in a “joint venture.” This year, we’re scouting out Australia and Oceania. Click on “read full story” below for details.
Now we seamlessly segue into the Mailbag portion of The Gene Pool, in which Gene responds to your questions and observations. Please send your new Questions and Observations here, to Ye Olde Mailbagge:
Q: You asked for interesting lists of things containing one disparate element. Here is mine:
How is the tomato different from all of these other vegetables? Eggplant, cucumber, bell pepper, zucchini, pumpkin, string beans and okra.
A: Okay, reader. Consider it. (Hint: It’s not exactly what you think it is. It’s more interesting than that.) I’ll reveal the answer below.
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Q: What do all these presidents, and only these presidents, have in common? John Quincy Adams, Andrew Johnson, Chester A. Arthur, William Henry Harrison, Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon, and Barack Obama. And in what way does Obama stand out among these?
A: Again. Answers below.
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Q: Try this one. What do all of these have in common: deer, moose, trout, offspring, aircraft, series and species.
A: Again, answers below. Also there will be a poll on how well you did.
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Q: In your column about the attempted shooting at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, you said the assailant makes you nervous. You didn’t say why. I suspect he makes you nervous because, as you wrote earlier, it’s a sign that Trump has successfully stoked enough chaos and hate to inspire what seems like a somewhat-normal person to attempt an insane criminal act. There’s madness loose in the U.S. now. – Jay Thurber, posted on Bluesky
A: Well, on one level I was making a joke: It makes me nervous that someone with a good sense of humor can also be an asshole — because, um, that could be, and has been, said of me.
But, yes, you’re right. This sounds like a guy we might know and kind of like. He’s pretty smart. He writes well. He demonstrates self-awareness and some self-deprecation. And of course we share his rage — though ours is governed by morality and common sense, and his is not. I don’t think many people feel they’d have “kind of liked” Hinckley or Oswald or Booth or Guiteau or Czolgosz. They seemed like embittered losers and nutcakes.
It’s scary, but that’s where we are, where the unthinkable seems to be becoming thinkable. It’s creepy and dangerous. I know of a guy who has said — just speculating — that if he had a rapidly fatal disease, and he had an opportunity, and was still physically capable, he might do it. He is perfectly sane. A nice guy.
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Okay, here are the answers:
TOMATO: If you answered, “The tomato is actually a fruit,” count yourself as one of the bamboozled. All of these, botanically speaking, are fruits. What is different about the tomato is that every year, at the height of tomato season, food writers for numerous newspapers and magazines will inform their readers that, surprise! the tomato is a fruit! and proceed to give us a sampling of tomato recipes that are on the sweet side. (No one seems to feel the need to preface a recipe for zucchini bread or pumpkin pie with the same revelation, though my supermarket annoyingly shelves canned pumpkin not with other canned “vegetables” but next to the canned cherries and prefab piecrust in the “cake mix” aisle that has replaced the old “baking ingredients” aisle.)
– Susan Williams, Mobile, AL
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PRESIDENTS: Those are — believe it or not — the only presidents with brown eyes. Obama’s distinction: He is the only one of the brown-eyed presidents to have served two full terms
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WORDS: None of these words takes an “s” when pluralized. Singular and plural are one and the same.
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And last, if you have not already done so, please consider becoming a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool. It is pretty cheap (still just $5 a month or $50 a year — most new newsletters are charging $80) — and it lets you enter the Invitational, rather than just reading the results every week and sourly deciding you would have done better and then kicking the family dog cat hamster bunny potbelly pig. weasel. sea monkey. Also, if you are one of the few who pay — subscribed for a mere month only to breed horses — think of it this way: Do you really want to be forever typecast for one role only, like Schwarzenegger? Do you want to go through life as The Inseminator? Be Back.