The Invitational Week 171: AI-ai-ai!
Q: Is AI going to end human life as we know it? A: Only in the sense that it may finally eliminate the last remaining human skill — pretending to understand the printer.
We wrote the above question, but that answer — which we said had to be funny —was supplied by ChatGPT. So, clearly, AI still has a ways to go. But how far can it go? That’s our new contest, as detailed down below. But first:
In Charm’s Way: Bad pickup lines from Week 169
In Invitational Week 169 we asked for comically inept pickup lines — and some of the nearly 800 entries sounded like the voices of experience, especially on the receiving end. Don Norum, who scores multiple ink below, shared this real-life anecdote: “A friend of mine, an Arab woman who wears a hijab, was on the London Underground when a skinhead — studded leather jacket, neo-Nazi tats, Doc Martens, the works — sat down next to her and opened with ‘You know, I hate the Jews, too.’ ”
Third runner-up:
“Hey, cutie, did you know that if you stick a cigarette in a frog’s mouth it will explode?” (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)
Second runner-up:
“Good to meet you. I bet you’re tired, because I’ve noticed you’ve been running errands all day — yoga, Starbucks, the Whole Foods on 16th and Elm, your gynecologist Dr. Elbert on the third floor of the Clancy Center, and that was just before lunch!” (Don Norum, Charlottesville, Va.)
First runner-up:
“Wanna go to the laundromat with me and sweep a yardstick under the machines and do something with the quarters?” (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)
And the winner of the Scaredy Cat Hot Pot Trivet:
“I’m a lot like Jeff Bezos, just not rich.” (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
And now the weekly Invitational Gene Pool Gene Poll:
(As usual, if you think one or more of the honorable mentions below are better than these, shout out your favorites in the Comments.)
Thrown Out at First Base: Honorable mentions
“I’m looking for my perfect match. Is your vagina 3½ inches deep, by any chance?” (Jesse Frankovich)
“Miss, I’m going to sit here next to you for your protection. You never know when some random dude will come along and start hitting on you.” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
“I’m here with the guys from work. We just won a prize for best thermal performance in insulated concrete sandwich panel construction, and I’m so pumped! I’d love to show you our product!” (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)
“I was the third runner-up for the inaugural FIFA Peace Prize.” (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
“I have made a vow to talk in words of one beat. You can do that too on our date and at my house. Oh, this will be fun. Try it.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
“I’d love to drive you to my place if you have a car.” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
“You are every bit as hot as my daughter.” (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)
“If I said you had a sexy body, would you hold this backpack for me while we go through security?” (Don Norum)
“Well, aren’t you the spitting image of my favorite blow-up doll!” (Lee Graham, Columbia, S.C.)
“Here’s my number. Feel free to call anytime Tuesday through Friday between 2:40 and 3:10 p.m. or every other Monday between 7:25 and 7:40 a.m.” (Judy Freed, Philadelphia)
“Hi, there — so if anyone asks, we’ve been here talking together all night.” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)
“Baby, you’re making my pants stand up and Sieg Heil.” (Don Norum)
“Can I buy you a drink, assuming you don’t have an infection between and around the anus and genitals?” (Allen Breon, Clarksville, Md.)
“May I buy you a drink from the bottom or middle shelf?” (Noah Meyerson, Washington, D.C.)
“Your Honor, how about we discuss my sentencing over a nice glass of chianti?” (Don Norum)
“You have beautiful eyes. Can I tell you that, or are you one of those bitches who’s offended by a compliment?” (Karen Lambert)
“Bet you’ve never met someone who received a presidential pardon.” (Art Grinath)
“Gotta tell you, I’ve discreetly smelled the hair of every girl in here and yours is the best.” (Jesse Frankovich)
“I’d love to treat you to a candlelit dinner at the finest restaurant that’s more than a thousand feet from the nearest elementary school.” (Don Norum)
“I’m a janitor at the film studio, but what I really want is to direct.” (Gary Crockett)
“So how much Silly Putty do you think I can eat?” (Jonathan Paul)
“A fortuneteller told me I’d find my soulmate at this bar tonight. Wanna help me look?” (Jonathan Jensen)
“If I buy you a drink, will you throw it in my boyfriend’s face?” (Lee Graham)
“The bartender bet me you wouldn’t spend the night with me — so how about I’ll split the money with you?” (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)
“While my wife is off having a baby, would you like to spank me with a magazine?” (Jonathan Paul)
“Would you like to have dinner with me sometime? I’m very easy to cook for.” (Karen Lambert)
“Hey, we won’t even need birth control — since my TURP surgery, semen goes directly into my bladder.” (Larry Carnahan, Peabody, Mass.)
“You’re exactly the kind of woman I was hoping to meet tonight. Nice-looking, but not so much that every guy’s hitting on you.” (Jonathan Jensen)
“I like your voice. So if I kidnapped you, I wouldn’t gag you.” (Barbara Turner)
“The name’s Bondi … Pam Bondi.” (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)
Trump Change: More SOTU fun from Week 165
We had so much good material from our Week 165 contest — to use the words in Trump’s rant-o-rama of the day State of the Union address to write some lines for an alt-SOTU — that we wanted to share some more Honorable Mentions, some of which have become even more timely. (Previous results here.) As in …
“What do we plan to achieve in Iran? I don’t know. How long will it take? I don’t know that either. How many soldiers will die? You got me. How much will it cost? Hell if I know. Do we have a strategy? Not really. Will the price in bodies be horrific? Probably. Will bombs be blowing up many things? Absolutely! Big win. Fire: So pretty.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
“As I am giving this talk, you may notice some passing winds. Just hold your breath. Or maybe try turning your head to the side while you cover your face. These efforts should help you until it is safe to take new breaths again.” (Judy Freed, Philadelphia)
“I have the best mind of any president in American history. I know this because I’ve heard people say I’m the most mental person they’ve ever met.” (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)
As 2022 world champions, the Golden State Warriors visited Joe Biden in the White House on January 17, 2023. They met with Nancy Pelosi there too. They probably thought I would forget about it, but I haven’t. As a result, I am making sure that team will be moving to Azerbaijan. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.; the first two sentences are true, as is probably the third. The fourth has not yet happened.)
“Some of you are not happy about all the crime and other bad things my administration does. Good news: I am not responsible! My eyes have been closed, the entire time. Just try watching any meeting I’m in! You’ll see: I’m in dream-land! Crash! Out like a light! I am sure you feel much better now.” (Duncan Stevens)
“We are not all about money! Values are important too. I call on all our citizens to support family values — like: ‘Women may be seized in their private part because when you’re a star, they let you do it.’ And: ‘Bed-time with a wearing-nothing movie lady is okay when your wife has recently had a baby.’ Stand on principle, my fellow Americans!” (Duncan Stevens)
“So maybe my eyes close when people are talking about terribly serious things. And it’s truly possible that I haven’t read a book in 60 years. And even after the first time, I still may not have exactly mastered the presidential thing. But in my defense, my father never wiped my back end. (Judy Freed)
“Why I’m better than all the other kings: Reason 1: I’m the only one who had a show everyone loved watching, where I fired people. Reason 2: I can remember five words in a row! Third reason: I can do more damage to individuals, families, and the entire earth in one day than all of them could do in many lifetimes. Reason 4: My private parts are huge.” (Judy Freed)
This union: is it doing well?
Well, no. Most things have gone to hell.
The next disaster there’s no knowing;
And I am, for the most part, blowing.
There sure has been a lot of losing;
Who knows what kind of drugs I’m using–
At times, eyes closed, at times I’m wired?
In a just world, I would be fired.
We’ve had so much corruption, fraud;
We’re not respected now abroad.
At home, we’ve still got high inflation,
And let’s not speak of immigration.
There’s not one thing to take much pride in;
I should have left this job to Biden. (Duncan Stevens)
The headline “In Charm’s Way” is by Jeff Contompasis; Roy Ashley wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. The headline “Trump Change” is by Jon Gearhart.
New contest for Week 171: How AI will change our world
In ten years, AI won’t take your job. It will just sit next to you all day suggesting new topics to discuss so you can’t get any work done.
Therapists will spend half their sessions helping patients process what their AI said to them, and the other half gently explaining that the AI is not, in fact, disappointed in them.
Dating will become easier and harder at the same time. Easier because your AI will find your perfect match. Harder because their AI will have already warned them about you.
There will be a small but vocal class of people who never use AI. They will be called “newborns.”
For Invitational Week 171: The internet is filled with overbearingly dramatic predictions about how AI will change our lives — making things better or worse or just weirder. Give us your own humorous AI predictions, as in the ones above, supplied to us by Tom Shroder, who is something of an expert in the field.
Formatting your entries: It’s just our standard request to write each entry as a single line i.e., don’t press Enter until you’re starting another entry.
Deadline is Saturday, April 18, 2026, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 23. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-171.
This week’s winner gets this cat (disclaimer: not an actual cat) that barfs toothpaste, or presumably anything else in a screw-top tube. Guaranteed to match one’s Monday morning mood.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.
Urgent alert for horse breeders and aficionados of the Equine Paradox! Be ready. Our ancient, globally celebrated name-the-foals contest happens next week.
Now we seamlessly segue into the Mailbag portion of The Gene Pool, in which Gene responds to your questions and observations. Please send your new Questions and Observations here:
Questions and Observations Here
And last, if you have not already done so, please consider becoming a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool. It is pretty cheap (still just $5 a month or $50 a year — most new newsletters are charging $80) — and it lets you enter the Invitational, rather than just reading the results every week and sourly deciding you would have done better and then kicking the family dog cat hamster bunny potbelly pig.
Today’s Brief Mailbag:
Q: You asked about things that don’t work well. Here’s my nominee:
Suction cups. Suction cups suck. Except they don’t. Which sucks.
— Marty Kohn
A: I hear ya! In our house, we have two cat platforms that attach to windows by suction cups. The kittens love them and sometimes pile on the same one at the same time. I am constantly waiting for a Wallenda-type cat-aclysm. Here’s a photo. (With jet black cats, all photos are of the silhouette variety).
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Q: Things that don’t work — have you ever tried to play Jeopardy! For free online? It is the most incompetent user interface I’ve ever encountered. It uses voice recognition software that is so bad it often doesn’t recognize it when you answer a question correctly. As in:
Jeopardy voice: The category is history. The answer is “As vice president, he shot a man to death.”
You: Who is Aaron Burr?
Jeopardy: Sorry, that’s not right. The correct answer is “Who is Aaron Burr?”
The website gives this out for free, but is constantly begging you to pay for an allegedly enhanced version Who the hell would pay for that, given the incompetence of the free version?
A: Yes, we play Jeopardy! online a lot, and part of the fun is how pissed off we get to be at it. It is a froth-fest. We have also noticed that it is particularly deaf to women’s voices. To be understood, Rachel sometimes has to contort her voice to sound like Sam Elliott.
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Q: You asked about encounters with the police.
About 25 years ago, I was driving with a Mexican American co-worker to a party in Warrenton, VA. We drove past a local police officer running radar (he may have been a few miles over the speed limit) when he told me we were about to be pulled over. When I asked him why, he said it was because I was a white woman in the car with a Mexican man. I was astounded. Sure enough, we soon had blue lights flashing behind us.
As the officer approached the car, I noticed that he didn’t stand next to window as was the case in the one or two times I had been pulled over, but he stood more towards the rear window with his hand on his gun. After using the taillight excuse for having pulled him over, he looked directly at me and asked if I was all right. Only after I told him I was fine did he let us go.
It was my first and only experience with racial profiling, and it still haunts me to this day. – Ellen E.
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We’ll end it there. Thanks, all.