The Invitational Week 165: SOTU-Speak
“I am large. I am unfortunate for the country but you must endure me. I always say things like ’zarutska.’ I am the assassin of words.”
—
“We love a fireman — especially one with big, beautiful, hard … wait, where was I? Oh, right. Affordability…”
—
Hello. Welcome to The Invitational Gene Pool, where we proudly ridicule Donald Trump for fun and profit.
For Invitational Week 165: Using only words that Trump used during his 2026 State of the Union disquisition and rant, write a fake passage from an alternative SOTU, as in the example above. For consistency, please use only this Associated Press transcript, beginning with “Speaker Johnson.” Within a single entry, you can’t use a word more often than Trump used it. (Note: You don’t have to subscribe to AP to access this list: There’s a small link to opt out and just get the transcript.)
But have no fear: You don’t have to really read his spew! Once again Gary Crockett has provided you with a list of every word Trump said, along with the number of times it occurs in the speech. The list is at this link right here, along with the ground rules we use for our “word bank contests.” Can you add “s”? Can you change the capitalization? Click on the link. Please do not send us an entry until you look at that short list of rules.
How long should these things be? Depends on how funny and clever they are. You don’t get “wow” points for writing long; in fact, if an entry becomes boring or difficult to read, we’re likely to toss it. To see what we went for last time, see the nifty inking entries from our 2025 Alternaugural Address contest.
Formatting your entries: It’s just our regular request to write each entry as a single line (i.e., don’t press Enter till you’re ready for the next entry).
Deadline is Saturday, March 7, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 12. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-165.
This week’s winner gets a perfectly timed treasure that was donated to us just the other day: a first-term era Donald Trump Toilet Brush — pristine, still in its original cellophane. A version of this had been offered to us years ago as a Style Invitational prize, but even we agreed that The Washington Post shouldn’t be giving that out. Now, of course, we have no such compunction — scrub away with that neon yellow head! Donated by Elinor Brecher.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.
Howler Be Thy Name: The puns of Week 163
In Invitational Week 163 we invited you to write jokes in Q&A form whose punchline involved a pun on someone’s name. There’s a fine line, we acknowledge, between a pun that’s daringly creative and one that’s horribly ridiculous. Fortunately, we know exactly where that line is, and why we provide you with the winners below, while protecting you from such pathetic atrocities as this one, by the otherwise estimable Jesse Frankovich: Q. What was better about the revised version of “The Jungle”? A. It was Upton Sinclairity! (Uh, that was to be read as “up tons in clarity,” as any fool can see.)
Third runner-up:
Q. Which much-feared Russian czar was a eunuch?
A. Ivan the Treble. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
Second runner-up:
Q. Why did Trump exclude the former Secretary of Transportation from the panel of officials at the Miss Universe contest?
A. He didn’t think Pete would be a good Buttigieg. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
First runner-up:
Q. Who’s the woman who oversees ICE
Who disdains law enforcement advice,
Who minimally trains
Men with minimal brains
So they kill U.S. citizens twice?
A. Kristi Poem. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
And the winner of the Como Tea Llama tea infuser:
Q. What does Kiefer have in common with Greenland?
A. He’ll never be Donald Sutherland. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
And now, the Invitational Gene Pool Gene Poll:
(As usual, if you think one or more of the honorable mentions were better than these, shout out your favorites in the Comments.)
Name Droppings: Honorable mentions
Q. Why was Tom Jones banned from performing concerts in China?
A. The president took offense when he heard him singing “Xi’s a Lady.” (Hildy Zampella, Sarasota, Fla.)
Q. Why did the Gunpowder Plot fellow not care about getting arrested and executed?
A. Guy had no Fawkes left to give. (Duncan Stevens)
Q. What do Cher, Diana Ross, and Barbra Streisand have in common?
A. They were all pre-Madonnas! (Jesse Frankovich)
Q. What do you get when an analyst, a Holocaust victim, and a feminist walk into a Mel Brooks film?
A. Jung, Frank, and Steinem! (Judy Freed, Philadelphia)
Q. Why did Jay-Z get a divorce?
A. Because his marriage was Beyoncé-ving. (Hildy Zampella)
Q. How would the Kremlin announce that Putin’s daughter’s succeeding him?
A. Katerina Tikhonova! (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
Q. Did that rapper deserve to go to jail?
A. Oh, Diddy! (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
Q. What is Russia’s policy on the ultimate authority of its leadership?
A. No dis Putin’. (Judy Freed)
Q. Which music legend used to love playing at the Cotton Club?
A. John Linen. (Hildy Zampella)
Q. When Lincoln’s top general asked if he should include Jefferson Davis on the Registry of Traitors, what did the president reply?
A. “You list his ass, Grant.” (Duncan Stevens)
Q. Who’s that singer with a line of hairs above her navel?
A. That’s Belly Eyelash! (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)
Q. Who wrote the groundbreaking true-crime novel “In Cold Salsa”?
A. Truman Chipotle. (Gary Crockett)
Q. What did the “Seinfeld” cast say after Frank’s funeral?
A. “We’ve never seen Jerry Stiller.” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
Q. What item did the joint venture between the band that recorded “Broken Wings” and the star of “The A-Team” give away to promote its new line of chai beverages?
A. The Mister Mister Mr. T Tea T-shirt. (Mark Raffman)
Q. Why didn’t California’s governor go after the people in named in the Epstein files?
A. Because Gavin Newsom. (Mark Raffman)
Q. After the misery of his Olympics, which skater decided to recuperate in Hawaii and get a serious suntan?
A. Ilya Melanin. (Gary Crockett)
Q. Any regrets about playing in the Jamestown poker tournament?
A. Our losses at stud Pocahontas! (Chris Doyle, Warminster, Pa.)
Q. How did the author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory manage to write an instant classic?
A. He Roald Dahl his best ideas together! (Jesse Frankovich)
Q. Forsooth, my good Shakespeare, how dost thy wife please thee after these many years?
A. Oh, Anne Hathaway. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)
Q. Which actor is a notorious cheapskate?
A. Jack Nicholson Dimes. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
Q. What federal agency pipes in anodyne saxophone music all day long?
A. The Atomic Kenny G Commission. (Chris Doyle)
Q. Who hosted live coverage of the Vidalia Onion Festival?
A. Cryin’ Seacrest. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)
Q. After doing his own stunts for his first Marvel movie, how did Chris Hemsworth feel?
A. Thor. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)
Q. Did you know about the fashion designer whose first job, before he changed his name, was cleaning outhouses?
A. Yeah, I saw Ralph Lifshitz out of Port-a-Johns. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)
And Last: Q. Hey, Gene and Pat: What slang words for breast are okay to use about a queen?
A. Boob, hooter, bazonga — but Nefertiti. (Jon Gearhart)
The headline “Howler Be Thy Name” is by Jesse Frankovich; both Jeff Rackow and Tom Witte sent in the honorable-mentions subhead.
Still running — deadline Saturday, Feb. 28, at 9 p.m. ET: Our contest to continue a first line of a certain book — we have lots to choose from — with a sentence or paragraph of your own. Click on “read full story” below for details.
Now we seamlessly segue into the Mailbag portion of The Gene Pool, in which Gene responds to your questions and observations. Please send your new Questions and Observations here:
Questions and Observations Here
And last, if you have not already done so, please consider becoming a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool. It is pretty cheap (still just $5 a month or $50 a year — most new newsletters are charging $80 — and it lets you enter the Invitational, rather than just reading the results every week and sourly deciding you would have done better and then kicking the dog cat.
—
This is Gene. I am saddened to keep doing this, but here is the latest news about the layoff-besotted, editor-starved Washington Post. The following appeared in today’s paper version of the paper. It is for some reason a reprint of a story that first appeared online on February 4. But that lassitude is not the big problem. The big problem is the headline. The story is not about “Cunningham.” Cunningham is the writer. The story is about … “Cassidy.”
—
Q: Regarding oldies but goodies:
I have my grandparents’ Seth Thomas mantel clock, with the manufacturer’s sticker still inside the access door for the workings. Also a sticker placed by my mother indicating the date of its acquisition around 1910. My grandmother left it to my mother, who left it to me. My mother did not wind it or use it so by the time I received it 20 years ago when my parents downsized, I needed to have it overhauled, which is fine. It keeps perfect time. When I listen to it tick, I can remember spending the night at my grandparents’ home in NW DC when I was very young, and hearing it tick and chime, as I do now. If, God forbid, the house ever catches fire, after I grab the dogs and get them out, the clock is next! – Stephi Jackson.
A: This is a wild stab, but does it look like this? I am just channeling what sweet old grannies with good taste liked in 1910, when they were maybe transitioning to grannydom.
An antique clock is the heartbeat of a home.
—
Q: I have, and continue to use, one of the original Cuisinart food processors. It was offered in an American Express ad at what was then a very high price. That was at least fifty years ago. It beats out any other appliance I have, including new versions of the food processor. My daughter sent me a photo of the same model from the Smithsonian. – Linda C.
A: An original Cuisinart is the hum of a home.
—
Q: There are things I’ve kept on using due to tightwaddery and/or real poverty. (Because let’s face it, even when I was earning money and was also married to a well-off man, people always said they could find our house by listening for the sound of pennies crying as we pinched them so hard.) Then there are things I’ve kept on using because I just plain like them.
Almost thirty years ago a friend took a community college course and built a desktop computer. By the time it was ready to use he loaded it with the very latest software—Windows Millennium Edition! You know that is still my favorite computer? I know some nice wizards who’ve kept it running for all these years, and it is MUCH better for writing on than this junky laptop—I mean it’s a Toshiba Satellite, but even a Toshiba Satellite can do only so much when burdened with Windows 10! It has NEVER wasted my time with an “update.” It doesn’t even connect to the Internet. It just processes words, and numbers when I want to do things with numbers, and keeps time, and does what I tell it to do. As distinct from doing what an overtly hostile corporation tells it to do.
If somebody opened a business building computers that work the way even students built them to work in the 1990s, that would be such an excellent development that it’d be worth even going back to FLOPPY DISKS! (Though that’s not actually necessary. ME works well with stick drives.)
— Priscilla King
A: An old computer is the mouse of a house.
—
Q: I use a computer daily which I bought in 1994. It is an Amiga made by Commodore and I love it!
A: Una Amiga es el amigo de una casa.
—
Thankfully, we’re done here for the day.
See you all soon.