The Invitational Week 161: You OED Us One
Hello.
The Empress has finally managed to straighten up and wiggle out her cranky back after poring over the pore-sized type of Volume I of the Compact [sic] Oxford English Dictionary, which is shrunken into a mere 4,116 pages absolutely requiring the help of a magnifier or phone camera (they were equally taxing, it turns out).
She’s emerged once again — we last did this contest four years ago — with a list of oddball words, most of them archaic constructions from some corner of the British Isles. And their meanings were almost uniformly boring: A cup filled with a candle. A wicker basket. Part of a seam of rock salt. A room for administrative procedures. They deserve more. They should have better meanings. You can help.
For Invitational Week 161: Choose any of the forty-two obscure words listed here and make up a humorous, totally bogus definition, as in these inking entries from our 2022 contest (with different words, duh).
Lushburg:
What it really means: Antique coin from Luxembourg.
What it ought to mean: A village so full of drunks, they have a Town Teetotaler. (Frank Mann)
Impanate:
What it really means: adj, contained in bread.
What it ought to mean: v., to reshape a cartoon character’s head with a skillet. “Oof, Popeye got impanated bad — good thing his head popped back into place 10 seconds later.” (Milo Sauer)
Hardhaw:
What it really means: A type of plant.
What it ought to mean: A laugh that could shatter plexiglass. (Lawrence McGuire)
Formatting your entries: Begin each entry with the word you’re defining, and follow it on the same line with the description; i.e., don’t press Enter until you’re starting another entry. (The format in the examples above, with the “real meaning/what it ought to mean,” is just for show here.)
Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 7, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 12. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-161.
This week’s winner gets another compact [not sic] lexical artifact, this from the waning years of the Pre-Internet Age: It’s the Random House Bad Speller’s Dictionary, 1985 edition, a vest-pocket-size volume in which you can look up “eddipus” or “parry-mutual” and be set straight. Now, of course, Google will simply pretend you spelled it right and not even tsk-tsk at your imbecilic spelling as it gives you the info. Found somewhere by Dave Prevar.
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Bubble Entendres: New words for ‘Speed Bump’ cartoons
In Invitational Week 159 we showed you eight vintage “Speed Bump” cartoons — but with Dave Coverly’s dialogue and captions erased. Could Invitational readers match Dave’s hilariously clever humor? Dave himself saw all this week’s inking entries and selected his favorites, including today’s winner and three runners-up — all of which he re-lettered for us below.
Dave proclaimed himself flabbergasted by the quality of all the entries. We were not; we see your work week after week. Dave was also flabbergasted by the fact that a few entrants had nailed his original jokes — here they all are — almost verbatim. We thought that might happen and had warned that such entries wouldn’t get ink, but we will hereby name the geniuses who were right on Dave’s wavelength: Rob Cohen and Mike Bardallis echoed the punchline of the the mummy cartoon; Bruce Niedt for the tombstone; Art Grinath for the cat award; Jeff Hazle and Jeff Rackow for the jack-in-the-box; Kevin Dopart for the guys on the sofa; and Jeff Hazle and Art Grinath for “Pandora’s Inbox,” the Grecian woman.
All the original cartoons appear in Dave’s 2020 retrospective Speed Bump: A 25th-Anniversary Collection.
(See our poll at the bottom of the list of entries.)
^^ Third runner-up, by Jim Gander, Luray, Va., a First Offender
^^Second runner-up, by Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.
Honorable mentions:
“Is it wrong to vote for myself as the world’s most beautiful woman?”
If Helen of Troy Had WiFi (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)
“Sure, they all look like Adonis online.”
Aphrodite Tries Bumble (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
First runner-up, by Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.
Honorable mentions:
“And this one indicates the transition to the First XKCD Era.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.; Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
“I believe we’ve found Ramses the Cheap.” (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)
By the 13th Dynasty, unfortunately, prolonged drought had led to starvation. (Pam Shermeyer)
“That one’s way too thin to be Yo Mummy!” (Jesse Frankovich)
The winner of Dave Coverly’s Dog Days 2026 daily calendar, signed by Dave: By Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.
Honorable mentions:
“Why don’t you boys go to an opera or something?”
The Marx Brothers: The Early Days (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)
“You know she can’t see you, right?”
Barb the Truth Teller (Lee Graham, Columbia, S.C.)
“Hey, guys, can we change from the Hallmark Channel to ESPN?”
The Secret Lives of Guys (JoAnn Goslin, Washington, D.C., a First Offender)
“Let me get this straight: You forgot the wings, chips, nacho cheese, and brownies. AND a bottle opener?”
Mensa Super Bowl Party (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)
The other four cartoons this week (again, see Dave’s originals here).
Jack suffered from ejectile dysfunction. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)
Jack, hammered. (Jesse Frankovich)
Destiny fulfilled, glory denied. (Ann M., Springfield, Va.)
Jack found out that it can be dangerous to think outside the box. (John Kupiec, Fairfax, Va.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Plop goes the weasel. (Chris Doyle, Warminster, Pa.; Jon Gearhart, Des Moines; Jeff Contompasis)
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Man: So, when you feel that urge coming on…
Group: …Suppress it!
Sign: Interrupters Anonymous (Jeff Contompasis)
Man: Repeat after me: I won’t mindlessly follow someone’s orders.
Group: I won’t mindlessly follow someone’s orders.
Sign: Irony Society (Neal Starkman, Seattle)
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“I’d like to express my ingratitude …” (Pam Shermeyer)
“I proudly accept this award and will now knock it off the lectern.” (Duncan Stevens)
“I’d like to thank those who made this possible, including the people who feed me every day, whose names escape me for the moment.” (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)
“I look forward to many happy afternoons batting this trophy around the room.” (Rob Huffman)
“I am humbled to accept this award for Best Composition While Sleeping on a Keyboard.” (Jesse Frankovich)
“As much as I appreciate receiving this trophy, I would much more appreciate having the box it came in.” (Jeff Contompasis)
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“Well, the sign outside SAYS ‘No cover.’ ” (Jeff Hazle)
“Just be glad it’s not an air guitar.” (Jesse Frankovich)
“Sorry, I didn’t have time to shave.” (Judy Freed, Philadelphia)
“Tonight is a dream come true…why did it have to be this one?” (Jon Gearhart)
“It’s kind of like a built-in metronome.” (Rob Huffman)
“Thanks to the very hot redhead in the front row, I will be unable to play my ukulele tonight.” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
And now, the Invitational Gene Pool Gene Poll:
(As usual, if you think one or more of the honorable mentions were better, yell at us in the Comments.)
The headline “Bubble Entendres” is by Jesse Frankovich.
Still running — deadline Saturday, Jan. 31, at 9 p.m. ET: It’s our contest to combine two movie titles and describe the new film. Click on “read full story” below for details.
Now we seamlessly segue into the Mailbag portion of The Gene Pool, in which Gene responds to your questions and observations. Please send your new Questions and Observations here for a future Gene Pool:
Questions and Observations Here
And last, if you have not already done so, please consider becoming a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool. It is pretty cheap (still just $5 a month or $50 a year), and it lets you enter the Invitational, rather than just reading the results every week and sourly deciding you would have done better and then kicking the dog.
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This is Gene. You all know Tom the Butcher, right? My editor? The really bad guy with the really heavy hand and intolerably unbudgeable opinions?
Tom Shroder is infatuated with AI. I am not. This has resulted in many interesting if testy conversations between us. He contends I am a tiresome, over-the-hill knee-jerk skeptic of a breathtakingly powerful, largely benevolent new technology. I contend he is losing his head to an unwise romance with a very dangerous individual. A potentially Fatal Attraction.
Tom has started a Substack. His first post arrived last night. Here it is. It is about ChatGPT. Like Tom, it is utterly and sustainedly infuriating. And, like Tom, it is also quite good. Guy can write. Check him out.
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Q: You asked about being cold. Really cold. I was fortunate enough to be able to visit Russia in December of 1991. I saw the Communist flag get removed, replaced by the Russian flag above the Kremlin on Christmas eve. Hope spring eternal. Yes it was F*NG cold but the locals seemed unfazed. I arrived in Moscow ready to take on an Arctic expedition with my down coat and heavy snow boots. All they wore were wool coats, flat leather shoes and those funny looking hats with fur. It was a mystery to me how they walked on ice without falling. How could they withstand that cold? And then I saw the extremely long lines coming out of the liquor store. And I understood.
– Ruth
A: Thank you.
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Q: You propose a general strike against Trump and Trumpism. A general strike needs a list of demands. What would you suggest? The resignation of the President? And the Vice President?’ But remember that the Speaker of the House comes next.
What would the substantive demands be? I can think of many I would make, but I doubt a majority would agree with most of them.
I would not favor a general strike without a good list of demands.
– Ken Gallant
A: I don’t think you need demands, at least at first. You need an overwhelming show of numbers. An unignorable movement of deeply committed, angry, outraged people. With numbers you obtain political power. With power you get a seat at the table. With a seat at the table, you get to start negotiating.
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Hey, watch this song. It is by Irving Berlin in 1941. Performed by Lizzy and the Triggermen, a jazz group from LA.
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Q: Have you heard Springsteens new song, “The Streets of Minneapolis”?
I have now. Quite an overnight achievement. Some good lines, some clunkers, some forced meter, but overall deeply moving and resonant of an earlier time of protest.
I’m hearing, in the music, echoes of “Desolation Row.” Right?
In 1965, Dylan wrote:
And the riot squad they’re restless
They need somewhere to go
As Lady and I look out tonight
From Desolation Row
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We’ll go out on that.
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