The Invitational Week 158: It’s ERTH Day
Sure, the world is falling apart. Government thugs murder people in the streets. Democracy crumbles. Ugly imperialism prevails. Official liars are spewing official lies. Our way of life is teetering, like a fiddler on the roof.
How do we cope? How do we keep it all together? Tradition!
Today we launch our twenty-second annual(ish) Tour de Fours neologism challenge, in which we give you a block of four letters and you build a new term around it, rearranging the letters in any of twenty-four ways. And since The Gene Pool just turned three years old (and The Invitational is about to turn thirty-three years old), we chose this block: THRE.
THREEBATE: A tax deduction for triplets.
NETHERLAND: The happy place Peter Pan discovered a few years later, right in his pocket
THE FORTY-SEVENTH REICH: “I have the right to do whatever I want as President.”
For Invitational Week 158: Coin a new word or multi-word phrase that includes the letter block THRE — in any order but with no other letters between them (spaces or hyphens between words are okay) and describe it, as in the examples above. Using it in a funny sentence might make your entry more inkworthy than someone else’s.
Formatting your entries: Begin each entry with your neologism, followed by the description, as in the examples. Don’t break a single entry into multiple lines; i.e., don’t hit Enter until the end of each one.
Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 17, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 22. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-158.
This week’s winner gets this nifty op-art floor mat. It’s the Empress’s own photo (and her own feet) but oddly, the depth effect is more striking in the photo rather than what you’ll see with your smarter personal eyes. Still, it’s pretty cool, even if it might not freak out your cat.
WE HAVE NEWS! With five entries getting ink in last week’s Invitational results, Juggernaut of Jocularity Jesse Frankovich zoomed to the 1,500-blot lifetime mark in a mere eleven years of serious Invite-entering, the fastest among the five ultra-Losers who’ve managed this achievement. Most telling: It was just 2½ years ago when we celebrated Jesse’s Ink No. 1,000.
In fact, Jesse scored five inks in last year’s Tour de Fours contest — and won it — for the letter block DOGE, including these:
• DEAD GEORGE: In the final volume of the series, the monkey gets a little too curious.
• GEODICK: What this clam ought to be called, by the looks of it.
• THE HEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE: It’s said with one’s fingers crossed behind one’s back.
Mad Maxims: Winning ‘laws’ of modern life
In Invitational Week 156 we asked you to come up with new laws for modern life, consistent with “Godwin’s Law,” considered the very first internet meme. Godwin’s Law was promulgated by lawyer and internet pioneer Mike Godwin; it’s a wry observation about how any online discussion seems always to descend into someone calling someone else a Nazi. As he promised us, Mr. Godwin weighed into heaving to the judging of the results of this contest, picking the winner and others, and, most dramatically, appending a “Godwin’s corollary” and “Godwin’s Synthesis” to others.
Third runner-up:
When one is dining out with friends and diving into succulent calamari fritti, the probability approaches 1 that someone will say they’ve heard that what’s sold as squid rings are often actually pig anuses. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)
Second runner-up:
Jerry’s Law: The mood during any mildly annoying predicament can be lightened by saying, “You know something? This could be a ‘Seinfeld’ episode.” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
First runner-up:
The Law of Trump: “Law”?
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.; Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
And the winner of the toy human papilloma virus:
The Law of the Errant Commentariat: The angrier the comment on an article or post, the less likely that the commenter has read any farther than the headline.
(Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)
[Godwin’s Corollary: The angrier your response to the idiot poster, the more likely you will have accidentally omitted the word “not.”]
And now the Invitational Gene Pool Gene Poll:
(As usual, if you think others were better, yell at us in the Comments.)
Vice-Principles: Honorable mentions
Spiegel’s Law: In the user reviews of any given product, somebody will swear by it and someone else will swear at it. (Carol Spiegel, Madison, Wis., a First Offender)
Bowser’s Law: A first date is effectively ended when the other person calls their pet a “fur baby.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)
The Self-Checkout Rule: The fewer items you have, the more likely you will hear that “help is on the way.” (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)
No matter how high the level of discernment, intellect, academic rigor, artistic merit, or societal value in a social media exchange, the first person who posts a posed, professionally lit picture of themselves loses. (Mandy Worley, Rye, Colo.)
The Inbox Osmosis Law: Work expands to fill the exact amount of time you weren’t planning to spend on it. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)
Atkins’s Law: If your toast falls jelly side down, or jelly side up, or it doesn’t fall at all, you’re still eating too many carbs. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
The Potluck Remainder Rule: The person who brought the gluten-free vegan dish to the potluck will insist on leaving the leftovers behind. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
The probability that your bladder or bowels will empty uncontrollably is inversely proportional to your distance from the toilet, especially if your zipper gets stuck. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
The Schrödinger Scat Paradox: A flushed toilet is simultaneously cleared and clogged until you lift the lid to check. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
The Customer Service Curse: The amount of time you spend on hold is inversely proportional to the speed at which you’ll be disconnected when finally transferred to a human being. (Judy Freed, Philadelphia)
Hamlet’s Law: Whenever you attempt to stab your enemy through a curtain, it’s always some other guy. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
The Hi, Honey, What a Nice Surprise Law: There is such a thing as a free lunch. Just show up at Mom’s at the right hour. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)
Dr. Trump’s Aspirin Axiom: Thin blood good, thick blood bad. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)
[Dr. Godwin’s Corollary: Further questions about anticoagulants will be directed to the Secretary of Warfarin.]
The Antoinette Assessment: Rich people can have their cake and eat it too. They just buy two cakes. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)
Santayana’s Corollary: Those who remember the past are condemned to repeat it with those who don’t. (Steve D., Gaithersburg, Md., a First Offender)
The Lincoln-Twain-Parker-Wilde Witticism: The pithier the quote, the less likely it will be attributed to the person who actually said it first. (Steve Honley, Washington, D.C.)
[Godwin’s Synthesis: Those who forget the past are condemned to attribute all Santayana quotes to Mark Twain or Oscar Wilde.]
No matter how seldom you use your phone on the toilet, someday, in the middle of a text, you are bound to dr (Dave Prevar)
The Law of Shirley U. : After introducing yourself to two or more people at a social event, one person will invariably say to you, “Shirley, you can’t be serious.” You then force a smile and obligingly respond, “I am serious and you can call me Shirley.” On the inside, though, a cold, remorseless despair claims you. O God, will it never end? (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)
The Caracas Caveat: Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him until a Reaper drone blows him out of the water. (Chris Doyle, Warminster, Pa.)
Rule No. 1 of Technological Progress: The rate of speed at which a given technology develops is an exponential function of its usefulness in separating people from their money. (Mark Raffman)
The Limbo Law of Dating: The longer you’re in the game, the lower the bar gets. (Judy Freed)
The Politician Principle: Most people rise to their level of incompetence, but politicians take the steps in a hurry, by twos and threes, so they tend to wind up at their level of extreme incompetence. (Art Grinath)
The Clockface Correlation: Someone’s age can be estimated by how quickly that person can read an analog timepiece. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
The Placard Postulate: A spelling or grammatical error in any protest sign immediately invalidates the message. (Jeff Contompasis)
Toobin’s Law of Zoom Self-gratification: Don’t. (Stu Segal)
And Last: The Grandpa the Cat Law: The more masculine the name you choose for a stray cat, the more likely “he” is to give birth at your home. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)
And Even Laster: The Invitational entry you decide isn’t good enough to submit will get ink for someone else. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
The headline “Mad Maxims” is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.
Still running — deadline Saturday, Jan. 10, at 9 p.m. ET: Our annual contest for humorous poems about people who died in the past year. Click below for details.
It’s not too late! Schmooze with the Losers at the annual Post-Holiday Party potluck/parody-singalong, the afternoon of Saturday, Jan. 17. All fans of The Invitational are welcome, and the Empress will wear her second-best tiara. If you haven’t gotten an invitation, write to BrunchOfLosers@gmail.com for details.
Now we seamlessly segue into the Mailbag portion of The Gene Pool, in which Gene responds to your questions and observations. (We’ve stopped having live Q&A’s because most of our readers send us questions before or well after we publish on Thursday mornings.) Today’s mailbag is, well, a mixed bag.
Send your new Questions and Observations here for a future Gene Pool:
Questions and Observations Here
And last, if you have not already done so, please consider becoming a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool. It is pretty cheap (still just $5 a month or $50 a year), and it lets you enter the Invitational, rather than just reading the results every week and sourly deciding you would have done better and then kicking the dog.
Good. Here’s the Mailbag:
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Q: I had that THE type of Covid you have. . It was miserable. Both ears almost perforated, my sinuses were on fire and my throat felt like razor blades were in it(in fact, they call this ‘razor blade Covid’). No one deserves this. Get well soon.
A: I forgot to mention that, also, my gums are bleeding. I’ve been down eight days. Today was my first negative test result.
Q: So, if the mayor requests the Minnesota National Guard be deployed to defend the city and Governor Walz complies, are we looking at another Civil War? Seems to me THIS is the reason the 2nd Amendment was written…to take up arms against a government out of control. — Tom Logan — Sterling, VA
A: I’ll just let this question breathe, out there. And post this next one:
Q: Do nothing but protest peacefully. The evil bastards want to provoke you into in violence, which they feel will justify their panned savagery under dishonestly invoked insurrection rules.
A: So.
Q: I thought long and hard before answering “yes” to your poll about whether this is the biggest trouble I have ever seen my country in.
January 8 marks my 69th birthday, so I was a pre-teen/early teen 1968-1974. I saw the aftermath of the Civil Rights Movement, Vietnam, the murders of RFK and MLK. I lived in the Bay Area and saw on the local news the killing in Berkeley and on the national news Kent State. However, I have never heard such blatantly fascist and racist and imperialistic rhetoric from the White House (not that Vietnam and incursions in Central America weren’t imperialistic, and that US policies weren’t often racist and borderline fascist). So the overall violence was perhaps worse in the late 60s/early 70s, but the justifications are worse today. — William Pifer-Foote
A: Agreed.
Q: You asked about the sorriest we have ever felt for ourselves. For me, this happened several years ago after I cut my hand on a wineglass while doing dishes. Sounds kind of wimpy, right? But, imagine this: a sink full of suds and dishes, grabbing a glass to wash, pushing in the sponge, twisting it, only realizing the glass is broken when it cuts through your hand. Then again, maybe don’t.
At the time this happened, I lived alone and went on a kind of insane auto-pilot when the blood started spurting — wrapped my hand in a dish towel, finished it off with a quarter roll of duct tape and drove myself to the emergency room (where I parallel parked perfectly — and was oddly proud of that). Half a day later I was back home with over 100 stitches, a cast that resembled a club on my right (dominant) hand, and a date for a surgery that would (hopefully) repair the tendons and nerves the damn wine glass had destroyed.
I woke up in the middle of the night high on the pain killers they gave me, yet still in absolute buckets of pain (is that actually a thing? “buckets” of pain? it seemed like it then) to discover a mini-massacre in my kitchen. Our cat, Phera (named by my son for her gorgeous eyes and thick eye-liner “like a Pharaoh, but a girl”) had captured, dismembered and disemboweled two mice. Attempting to clean that mess up, the entrails and tiny organs, bits of fur and tails, little feet and heads, noses and whiskers, all with a club for a hand while in a crazy amount of pain is about as sorry as I have ever felt for myself.
The massacres, and unwanted sharing of them, continued every few days or so, for the next couple of weeks. I finally had my surgery and returned home with a slightly less clubish cast. The next day I woke up to find another dead mouse in my kitchen, but this one was left whole. The next day another whole mouse, and nearly every day thereafter I found a dead mouse, or mole, or vole in the kitchen. Now that my mind was working again, I thought it odd that Phera, who had never been a sharer, had suddenly decided to be generous.
A couple of weeks post-op, cast removed — Phera jumped up on the couch to cuddle with me — and dropped a fully live mouse in my lap.
Gene, I know this is likely too long to post, but I thought you might enjoy it. As I’m sure you figured early on — Phera was taking care of me as she would have her kittens (had she had any). Just making sure I learned to be independent again. Cats are pretty damn cool.
— Lisa
A: Excellent cat-related stories require no apologies for length.
Q: How depressed are you?
A: Plenty, but I am more angry and resolute. For the first time I am convinced that this cannot just be ended South Africa style, with reconciliation but no punishment. Reconciliation, yes. Compassion, yes. But in the end, the traitors need to be brought to justice.
Q: Regarding why people continue to believe Trump’s lies, I’m reminded of your buddy David Simon’s observation that there are two types of Trump supporters – those in on the con and rubes. Ninety-nine percent of his supporters are the latter. There is a more nuanced explanation though. Simon’s first category is right on. Those in on the con include the wealthy and business people benefiting from his tax and regulatory cuts, and also get government contracts and special favors in return for bribes. (That they willingly abandoned the rule of law and fair competition that allowed them to thrive is a despicable, complete lack of character.) Other supporters are the white supremacists (supremacysts?), neo-Nazis and fascists (Nick Fuentes, Tucker Carlson, et al) who more or less openly want to end American democracy. They don’t care that he lies, in fact they recognize that lying is a means to their ends. Finally you have many (perhaps most, shamefully) evangelical “christians” who are told and believe Trump is God’s choice to lead this country. They seem to have no trouble believing this when told by Steve Bannon who has distinguished his “christian” values by trying to help Jeffrey Epstein rehabilitate his standing after admitting to molesting underage girls. Aside from that, they are the intellectual descendants of those who argued slavery was a “christian” value. None of these groups really cares if Trumpism leads to most Americans being poorer and leading shorter, less healthy lives (which it is doing and will continue to do) as long as it makes them richer, gives them political power, or they think it lets them impose their moral order on the country. Doesn’t matter what Trump does. You will not persuade these people.
There is a line in the “Bosch” streaming television series where the title character explains his approach to policing: “Everybody counts or nobody counts.” That also is a neat summation of democracy and that “more perfect union” we strive for. For that matter it’s also Christianity. Everybody matters and to the same extent. Trumpism and its supporters argue that some people count and some people don’t. And among those who count, some count more than others. Once you accept that, then you accept that maybe slavery wasn’t so bad because those people didn’t count, or Vladimir Putin isn’t so bad because those thousands of kids he kidnapped and thousands he murdered in Ukraine counted less, or it’s OK if Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell (for whom Trump will not rule out a pardon) raped hundreds of underage girls because they counted for less.
— Gary Blankenship
A: Thank you, Gary. We’ll end with this.