Don't Be Good.
Happy Independence Day. Go, Fourth! And multiply our disgust with Donald Trump.
First, here’s today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:
Is your vote locked in? Good.
Have you seen the stories about just how dangerous to life and limb this vulgar extravaghastla might be? Here’s a quote from the Wapo:
“The planned America 250 fireworks display could trigger an unprecedented short-term air pollution event, with roughly 880,000 fireworks expected to be launched, more than 40 times a typical Washington, D.C., Fourth of July show. Officials are concerned that smoke, fine particulate matter, and heavy metal pollutants could push air quality beyond the EPA’s maximum Air Quality Index scale of 500 in areas near the National Mall…”
“The combustion from large fireworks displays typically causes significant pollution because it generates fine particulate matter, also known as PM2.5. These small particles can penetrate deep into the heart and lungs, causing irritation and in some cases asthma attacks and other illnesses. A draft air-quality analysis, based on the National Park Service’s modeling, states that people should “avoid prolonged exposure” to the pollution around the Mall.”
Also, this thing is being organized, at the top, by the same clown posse that brought us the Great National State Feh and the Reflecting Poo. Me, I wouldn’t bet against a total catastrophe tonight, including uncontrolled detonations of thermonuclear dimensions.
My point is, don’t go. Trump needs to see threadbare crowds everywhere he goes. It’s the only form of criticism he understands. Anything less tangible he deflects with his own ignorance and with kindergarten-level repartee: “Secretary Clinton, Putin has no respect for you.” “Well, that’s because he’d rather have a puppet as president of the United States.” “No puppet! No puppet! You’re the puppet!”
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Speaking of ignorance, you probably saw Trump’s Truth Social post at the top of this column, the one trumpeting the limited edition commemorative passport with his scowly face on it, along with Trump’s puzzling introductory statement: “Welcome, but be good.”
Can it possibly be that Trump thinks American passports are issued to foreigners as they enter this country? Is the president confusing a passport with a visa?
Of course he is! He is an ignoramus. He is a FAMOUS ignoramus, which even rhymes.
Consider the following things Trump has said, things that betray not just carelessness of speech and thought, but an almost incomprehensible incomprehension of basic history, science, and civics.
He once said “Belgium is a beautiful city.”
He said Article 2 of the Constitution gives him “the right to do whatever I want as president.”
When asked if he is legally required to follow the Constitution, he said “I don’t know,” even though the oath of office he has twice taken out loud, and which is written into the Constitution, specifically obliges him to “preserve, protect and defend” that selfsame document.
He has said there are three branches of government — the presidency, Congress, and the chairmanship of the Federal Reserve.
He has said that Andrew Jackson, who died in 1845, hated the Civil War.
He called Frederick Douglass “an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more, I notice.”
He said of Abraham Lincoln: “Great president. Most people don’t know he was a Republican. Right? Does anyone know? Lot of people don’t know.”
He said James Madison was “a giant of a man, both in size and intelligence.” Madison was indeed very intelligent. He was also five-foot-four and weighed 102 pounds.
He said “Nobody should be allowed to burn the American flag — if they do, there must be consequences, perhaps loss of citizenship or a year in jail!” (The Supreme Court has ruled that flag-burning is specifically protected by the First Amendment. Plus, the government cannot revoke a native-born American’s citizenship as punishment for committing a crime.)
He once asked his national security adviser if Finland is a part of Russia.
He believes the human body is like a battery, born with a fixed amount of energy, and that exercising simply uses it up faster.
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Unbelievable, right? Well, sort of. I made up two of the items on the list. I contend he is so dumb, you won’t know which.
And from The Mailbag today:
Q: You said you lost 22 pounds in three months. That’s pretty spectacular. Now that GLP-1s are being covered by Medicare, I am thinking of taking the leap. Can you describe what the experience is like, from the inside? Like, your insides? Like, what does it do to you and why do I keep saying “like”?
A: Gladly. It is unusual. Not what I expected, and, most important, not what I feared.
I feared that food would not be as exciting to me. That would have been very bad, but it didn’t happen. I still savor food.
For me, at least, GLP-1s work in three ways. Or, um, three weighs.
Weigh 1: You can’t eat as much at a meal. You seem to fill up faster. At the beginning, at a restaurant, I ordered the normal amount of food but found I was taking home fuller doggie bags. Now I order less, and make less at home.
Weigh 2: You always feel a little full. Not postprandial full, but just a little full. Like you don’t have to eat. This changes the noshing dynamic. It is subtle. I don’t make spontaneous near-the-register candy purchases anymore. Or anything else like that. I don’t eat between meals.
Weigh 3: The subtlest one. This is costing a lot of money. You want it to work. You work on making it work, because you know that if it doesn’t work, you will feel like a total schmuck. I am a little worried about that whole Medicare thing. What if Weigh 3 is the most important factor??? What if a $50 monthly copay is a lot less of a negative incentive than a $400 sock to the wallet?
I am not making this danger up. There was a very successful doctor in Miami in the 1980s who made a small fortune by curing people of smoking cigarettes. His system really worked. He did this by giving them a weekly injection right into their noses. It was quite painful. Eventually, it was disclosed that what he was injecting was saline solution.
You keep saying “like” because you believe in starting every day with a simile.
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Believe it or not, for better or worse, this is how I make my living these days. If you have the means, please consider becoming my employer. Lord knows, I can use some adult guidance.
Okay, well, you probably want to know which two are made up.
It’s James Madison, and the Federal Reserve. Trump did actually screw up the three branches of government, but in a different way: He said it was the presidency, the House, and the Senate.