Bland Theft Auto
I was walking downtown yesterday when I stopped to inspect the interior of a car parked in a driveway. It was a late-model Mazda 3. I checked it out for maybe 10 seconds, cocking my head in different positions to get a better look. I didn’t touch the car.
From the street:
“Sir, can you please step back from the car?”
I did. I turned.
It was a police officer in his cruiser. He had rolled down his window.
“Sir, is that your car?”
“It is not.”
“May I ask you why you were looking into the car?”
“May I ask you why you are asking me why I am looking into the car?”
“I don’t have to tell you that, sir.”
“Well, I don’t think I have to tell you why I was looking into it! I can tell you, but I won’t unless you tell me why you are asking me why I was looking into it.”
Pause.
“Sir, can I see some identification?”
“No, you cannot but I will gladly show you my identification AND tell you why I was looking into that car if you will tell me why you are asking me why I was looking into that car.”
Longer pause.
“Okay, I asked you why you were looking into that car because it seemed as though you were checking to see if the the keys were in it.”
‘“Why would I do that?”
“So you could steal it?”
“I do not steal cars.”
“I am not accusing you of that. But I was suspicious, which is why I asked you.”
Pause.
“Okay. Fair enough. I look into a lot of small cars because I am a strong proponent of stick shifts. I am a writer and I write about it. It is kind of an obsession. I think Americans are a bunch of lazy fat asses who don’t want to be bothered to learn this basic, exhilarating skill, a skill utilized in much of the world, and that because of this Americans are deservedly objects of contempt in other countries, and I see this as something of a national embarrassment. Not as bad a national embarrassment as our current president is, but bad. So I am always curious about which modern cars still come equipped with manual transmissions. I am seeing fewer and fewer of them and it kind of bums me out.”
“And is it?”
“Is what what?”
“The car. Is it equipped with a manual transmission?”
“Sadly, no. Do you still want to see my ID?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t have to tell you why not.”
I laughed. So did he.
Finally:
“I didn’t ask you because your story is dumb enough to be true.”
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So, that’s it for the day, except, because this is technically a Weekend Gene Pool, I will ask you to send in funny / interesting encounters you might have had with a police officer.
Send them here:
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Todays Gene Pool Gene Poll:
Please note: The legal obligations differ by municipality. Later on — perhaps an hour after posting this, I will explain how I interpret the rules in Washington D.C.
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See? I will gladly make an ass of myself for your entertainment. Might you consider rewarding me with a paying subscription, at $50 a year? It’s less than half the price of sitting on the lawn at Wolf Trap to listen to Bob Dylan for 90 minutes in July. I am not comparing myself to Dylan except that we both look pretty scuzzy these days.